Deep breath. Hold it. Hold it. Faints.

For me, in life the hardest word to say is the word NO.

I always have trouble doing that. It goes NO, NO, NOT GONNA HAPPEN in my head. And when the time comes, YEA SURE WHY NOT. I don't make sense and don't plan to. People who understands me will understand this post. In other words, no one will. But of course I hope there is someone out there who does.

And saying NO does not only applies in making decisions. For me it occurs every second in my brain, literally every milli-second this question pops up and I had to struggle every sinlge time to fool my mind to forget about it and to go on with my lifeless life. Do you know how hard it is to fool yourself when you know you're doing it? It's impossible actually. However nothing is impossible so that makes that impossible.

Anyways, rejecting your own thoughts is not just a simple matter of 'oh just forget about it' or 'ah never mind I'll just sleep on it', there's like a war going on in my head. People say follow your heart. But often it is better to follow your head. You cannot follow your heart when you realise that you can depend on it. It's like luck, when one comes to a realise that he's a lucky person and starts to depend on his luck, it doesn't work anymore.

Again, I'm not sure if my head works. I rely on intuition most of the time and ended up giving it a pass everytime. Time drains it. But will it drain the real deal? I'll never know. not for sure. Consciousness is not helping. So, can I say NO again this time? Of course I can, but can I? Do I want to? I'm thinking too objectively, weighing every thought in my mind. It does not work this way.

I'll just ponder for the meantime. People see me as a happy person who's always on high spirits. And yes I am a happy person. But happy doesn't mean no worries, it does not imply that I have no problems. I will continue to be who I am, people can continue to think what they want to. Earth continues to spin.